i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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