This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
