Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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