Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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