I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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