GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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