Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
