Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
