Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
