Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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