A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
