and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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