the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
