Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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