you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
