I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
