Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
