I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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