I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
