I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
