i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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