Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
