Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
