After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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