Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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