my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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