(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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