you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize