Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
