Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
