idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
