For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
