quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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