as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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