i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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