My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
