Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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