Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so explain again why im purple
no
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
