i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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