also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
