you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
