good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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