one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
