I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
