Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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