Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
