Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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