this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
