and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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