I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
