Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Randomize
