Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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