why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
