Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
