My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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